I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
