my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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