He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
