Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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