God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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