Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
