my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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