I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
