Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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