she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
