I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
