I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
