i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
