i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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