My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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