I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
