Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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