a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize