my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
