how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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