I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
