I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
