just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
