did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
