You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
