I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
