just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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