Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
