I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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