woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize