youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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