you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
