my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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