peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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