I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
