dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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