I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize