Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
