why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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