I CAN MOONWALK!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
