It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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