i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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