THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
