I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
