im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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