how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
