Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I could make wine with my vomit
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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