I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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