You really coming over, don't trick.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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