What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
