im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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