I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
