Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
did i walk over a car last night?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
