Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
