theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
