He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
