you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
