I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
