The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize