i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
