Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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