From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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