Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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