I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
